When Judi and I help people sort out the problems in their home, it is not uncommon for us to work through conflict in counseling couples or families. In fact, it is probably one of the top three reasons people ask for counseling help in their home and in their marriage. Conflict may be connected to another main topic such as communication. (In fact, usually when someone says they need counseling because of “communication problems,” it really means that underneath they have differences that are driving them apart and those differences end up in fights and arguments.) But either way, it is helpful for us to spend some time unpacking some biblical and practical help that can be brought to bear on the conflict these folks have experienced. Sadly, many people live with conflict as a way of life. Perhaps they feel like it is a personality problem. Or they may blame the other person without looking at their own part in the conflict. Maybe they experienced conflict while they were growing up and so they assume it is just normal to life. Or (Judi says), they just want life to be “smooth sailing,” so they ignore the struggle.
One of the most helpful ways to resolve conflict is to find out what the main issue or issues are related to that are at the center of the conflict. Usually, it is through this process of sorting out issues that we begin to see what is really going on in the hearts of the people involved in the conflict. (We drew these categories from biblical counselor Dr. Nicholas Ellen.) Four general categories enable us to identify underlying reasons for conflict.
(1) Issues related to Preferences: From experience, more people fight over and argue over preferences than any other category. That is sad. It is what they prefer, and they are willing to go to war over it. Think about it. That color is your preference. You like that pizza more than the kind your husband enjoys. You like your eggs hard; he likes his eggs over-medium. And on it goes.
(2) Issues related to Wisdom: In some situations, there is a difference of opinion on what is wise, given certain conditions or potential risks. This does bring out our background and our thinking about what is normal for us as opposed to the other person. The person that tends to be more careful will demand that they take all of the precautions necessary in order to be safe, and they think the other person is being foolish in taking such risks as suggested. The situation and decision engage with what is viewed as wise or as foolish. For example, is it wise to sign a lease on a vehicle for more than the budget allows? What are the risks? What are you committing to as a couple? How much is insurance? How much does it cost to register the vehicle?
(3) Issues related to Conscience: For some people, they have a problem doing certain things that their friend or spouse do not have a problem doing. They cannot clearly do these things by faith before God. Their conscience is related to a set parameter based on what they believe is acceptable or pleasing to God. The choice to do this action doesn’t intersect with a specific, direct command of God, but instead, their choice to not do it is based on an application of a principle. It is a life choice, based on what they believe God is like or what he has said about other issues. For example, a wife has no problem enjoying a meal at a sports bar. The husband, having grown up in a strict home where any association with alcohol was viewed ungodly, does not want his family to patronize a sports bar.
(4) Issues related to Sin: Finally, there are some things that are clearly identified biblically as sin. We know that God has commanded us to put off sinful actions as specified in Scripture. When someone acts in accordance with what God has clearly defined as sin, that action must be dealt with by confession, repentance, and forgiveness. Sin is the basis of all conflict. And it may be my sinful heart. Or it may be my proud heart wanting to do what I want, regardless of how it affects someone near me. Without a selfish, sinful, determined heart that wants what it wants, I can choose to live in humility and in service, loving my neighbor. And my closest neighbor is my spouse. We can be discouraged by the conflict and disheartened by the arguments, but until we are ready to sit down and place our desires, thoughts, and plans on the table together, the conflict will only continue.
Questions to Diffuse Conflict from Preference Disagreements, Wisdom-Choices, Conscience Issues, and Sinful Behavior:
Do your own homework; evaluate each area of conflict to isolate the problems; pray for God’s direction in resolving areas of conflict in your marriage or family. Do not let conflict go unresolved. God’s way is best.
Solus Christus – Dave & Judi
